The one with the secret closet
by Operry
Summary: When Chandler opens the secret closet a new side of his wife is revealed. The question is: who in this couple has gone mad? This is an experiment therefore I am hoping to receive a lot of criticism, even if harsh.
1. The other secret closet

_This idea came to me after watching "the one with the secret closet" so I decided to write a story about it. I've never done this before, but hopefully someone out there will like it.. Also I'm trying to improve my english, so please feel free to correct any spelling mistakes you happen to notice._

_I do not own Friends._

_Mr. Bing had been staring at the mysterious green door for hours, secretly hoping that the supernatural strength of his glare would be enough to open it with a "bang". _ Chandler narrated to himself, one of too many side effects of being the lonely son of a writer. _You know something is wrong when you accompany your actions with sound effects_ he murmured ashamed. It hadn't really been hours, as a matter of fact it had barely been a couple of minutes since he had arrived from work and sat down at his new favorite spot; but as frustration grew in Chandler so did his sense of time get worse. After all the entire situation was completely new to him; _yes_ he was _slightly_ paranoiac, and _yes _he was used at feeling left out, his entire childhood had gone through the wrong side of the door for crying at loud! But what still surprised him were the feelings for Monica; in this case it wasn't enough to crack a joke and move on, he had to know she was fine first, he had to know why she was keeping secrets from him. _What if there is a monster over there who brainwashes my wife in order for her to be his slave and cook for him? _He thought as he stood up nervously_ What if the "closet" really is a torture room where horrible things are done to her while I sleep in the next room?_ It was his responsibility as the boyfriend, _no as the husband,_ he corrected himself proudly, to do something about it. With a new determination in his eyes Chandler looked around the apartment in search of something which would force the door open, but the only thing that appeared remotely useful was the butter knife on the sink which he had used earlier on to make himself a snack. Then, a sudden thought crossed his mind: Monica was the type of woman who would refuse to pay for something she could do herself. She had a drawer where she would keep her tools as he had learned the hard way. He couldn't help but feeling stupid now that the solution appeared so clear in his mind. _The armored knight with nothing more but the instruments given to him by the great magician Bloushpawlbleh embarked in a dangerous mission with the honorable aim of saving the damsel from the dragon's… secret… closet_. Chandler giggled out of excitement as he removed the door frame and prepared to solve the mystery that had been tormenting him for days. "Elementary my dear Watson" he murmured with a funny accent as he stepped in happily, only to find himself chocking on his own words seconds later. The idea of the monster suddenly didn't seem that bad, as he looked around in shock. The first picture which he noticed was one of him fishing with his parents a week before their divorce, his mother was wearing a tight bikini and his father was staring at her with what he was now able to recognize as envy. But that wasn't only it, all over the walls various other photos of him, as well as maps and hand written notes were stuck with the accuracy of a military general. "Oh god, please tell me I'm having a nightmare, please tell me she hasn't been stalking me all these years." He whispered backing away.


	2. Oranges and a red shirt

Receiving your reviews felt great, Hope you enjoy the continuation..

The more Chandler stared at his wife's little sanctuary, the more he could feel his disbelief slowly turning into fear. His hands were sweating, his entire body was trembling and yet all he could think about was Narnia, the magic world which he had secretly been hoping to find on the other side. However real life had disappointed him once again. A little note in particular, which he had found on the floor and collected with shaking hand, had such a detailed description of what he had been wearing on the 26th April 1989, that he found himself laughing maniacally at its absurdity. He couldn't even recall being friends with Monica back then. _Is this supposed to be an act of love? Am I supposed to feel flustered? _He wondered, putting the paper back where he had found it and looking around the room, trying to picture a young Monica writing those words down… He couldn't do it. Monica _was_ characterized by various obsessions, but those were _funny_ and _cute_, while these were sickly mad and scared him. As Chandler backed away, suddenly fearing the moment his wife would come home, he ended up knocking down something which in his state of shock he hadn't noticed up until then.

"I thought I had made it clear that the closet is none of your business" said Monica, massaging her head where Chandler had hit her, with a tonality to her voice that gave him goose pimples. _None of my business? That closet is a 100% my business, it should be called Chandler's Secret Closet, you should write "Chandler Bing's business" all over it!_ He wanted to say, but all that came out of his mouth was the word "Business" followed by what looked like a whistle or the sound a puppet would produce after being ran over by a school bus, a garbage truck and a flock of dirty sheep. "Chandler are you going to divorce me?" she asked when he least expected it. For a few moments all he could do was stare at her, without blinking, sweat still pricking his forehead, his hands still shaking behind his back. The thought hadn't even occurred to him; all he knew was that the innocent tone of her voice was making him sick and that he had to get away or he would do something regretful. "Dammit, I'm going to follow my brother's footsteps and divorce after less than an year" she added with an awkward smile which made his stomach twist. "I wonder what mustard tastes like when mixed with chocolate" was all he could murmur as a response, as he slowly walked towards the door, planning his escape. Her eyes followed his movements and in a second she was blocking him off from his exit. He was taken by surprise by the rapidity of her reaction, even more so when she grabbed his arms violently and pushed him against the wall, forcing him to make eye contact. Her eyes were of the deepest blue he had ever seen, and in spite of the fact that he was still traumatized by the closet, he couldn't help but notice how beautifully they contrasted her skin. She might have been about to kill him, but to his eyes she had never been so stunning before. "Chandler I love you; don't let that stupid, insignificant detail ruin what we have. I promise I will stop " She said fiercely "I was planning to anyway." At that point she tried to kiss him passionately but it was soon clear that it was the wrong thing to do. "We won't divorce but you will stop immediately" Chandler said escaping her embrace "Now I have to go back to work, because I've forgotten something very important which is essential to complete something very important that is due for tomorrow. Very, very important" he concluded stuttering. Before Monica knew it he was gone and she was alone again, with the door of the closet still hanging open and a gentle breeze entering through the window and melting into her bones. She wanted to cry, tear he clothes off and jump out of the window, smack into the hard soil and slowly fall into the arms of unconsciousness. _Chandler knows, he thinks I'm a monster, my marriage is over. No marriage, no kids, no kids, nothing. No kids. Nothing._ She chanted in her mind as she fixed the door and cleaned the floor repeatedly till at last all the pain was washed away and she was able to breathe again.

Some minutes later she was inside the closet starring at her newest picture, one which portrayed Chandler as he brushed his teeth that same morning, his hair seemed to be all over the place and he had a goofy smile as tooth paste spotted his pajamas; But she loved the way the photo reached perfection despite its numerous flaws, it was a feeling she only experienced with Chandler and that now she risked losing because of a _misunderstanding_. With shaking hands she stuck the photo to one of the few empty spots left and added the tiniest note to its corner

_Chandler found out about you, he was wearing one of his favorite red shirts and smelled like oranges, He made me promise to stop what we are doing, but don't worry.. I have a plan._


	3. In the blink of an eye

**It's been almost an year since I've last updated this fanfiction. So much has happened, but**** I am back and so is the story, hopefully someone is still out there to read it :)**

**I own nothing.**

Chandler practically flew down the stairs, anxious as he was to get away from the apartment, the closet and his _mad mad oh-so-mad-wife._ Sure enough as soon as the cold evening air smacked him in the face, with its scent of Chinese take away and car smoke, his blood started to flow back to his fingers, which he had been unwarily clutching during his entire encounter with Monica. The most logic thing to do would be to go back to work, in case she was still keeping an eye on him, Chandler realized uncomfortably, some of his coworkers would be there and he had recently downloaded one of those new RPG games for the pc that could keep him occupied. _Boy __was he cool_. As he started to walk towards the metro though, he realized just how ridiculous the entire situation was and decided to go to central perk instead, hoping that none of his friends would be there.

That was his second mistake of the day.

Joey was the first to notice his friend standing paralyzed by the door. With a perfectly synchronized movement, that suggested hours of practice, his friends all raised the coloured mugs at him, accompanying the action with the pirates' well known greetings of roars and drunken "arghs". If he hadn't been in such a worried state of mind he would have found it amusing, but after discovering Monica's little secret he didn't know how much time it would take him to laugh at a joke again. As he walked to the sofa, occupying the empty space by Rachel's side, he realized that his friends were giving him strange looks and that their eyes were filled with expectation _"Do they know?"_ he started to wonder _"Of course they do, and they have been helping her throughout all these years playing me like a puppet.."_ once again he was getting dangerously close to a panic attack, _was it an impression or was the room getting smaller by the s__e__cond? It wasn't_, _and people were laughing at him for the way_- "Chandler, don't you have any joke to make about the little play we set up for you?" asked Rachel reaching for his cheek, as though pretending to measure his temperature with a mocking smile. he blunted out the first thing that came to his mouth "You talking about the way you've been overdosing on Peter Pan movies lately?" the joke was weak but the group gave it a genuine smirk all the same before returning to the conversation they had started before their friend's arrival; Something involving one of Phoebe's triplets a white sofa and an enormous glass of orange juice.

For a moment Chandler was tempted to spill the beans of all the madness he had witnessed over the past hour; he was about to do so however when he met Joey's eyes, causing a new thought to cross his mind _Sweet innocent Tribbiani must know about this…there were countless pictures of the time __we __used to live together, I__NCLUDING ONE OF ME BATHING FOR GOD'S SAKE.__Monica couldn't have possibly done that without an ally inside the house._With sudden fear he realized that Rachel too was now staring at him _what about Monica's former __best __friend and roommate?Hasn't she ever accessed the closet __in the past years? It was her __house too, she must have found out __at some point…Phoebe! This thing__is s__o weird that she __must __have something to do with it, and Ross too, as Monica's brother. His DNA __must __be jus__t __as messed up as hers __is. Maybe he too __is __obsessed __with me, maybe that was the reason they had become friends in the first place…__to help…__sister's…__dirty little hobby…_

Suddenly she was sitting next to him and whispering in his ear "Hello dear, have you concluded that important thing at work?" he looked at her in the eyes and was surprised to see standing next to him Monica and not the stranger that had haunted his thoughts for the past hour. He touched her hand hesitantly; she _was_ Monica, the wife with the skinny wrists and black hair he had always loved. For a second the issues which had surfaced during the day seemed to disappear like a hallucination fades away and ghosts dissolve. But then her mouth was brushing against his ear again and she was muttering something "You promised to stay by my side in sickness and in health. This Chandler is my sickness" she moved her red mouth to his own and in the blink of an eye her words had transformed into a passionate kiss.

The ghost, the hallucinations and a life time of nightmares reappeared with their vivid colors in Chandler's mind, yet all he could do was kiss her back.

**This is it for now, I promise not to let another year go by without an update.**


	4. a twist to the twisted dance

**Thanks for reviewing "missineichen". This time I am going to try something slightly different, hope you like it :)**

for three days and three nights straight, the closet door hang wide open as a constant reminder of a matter left unsolved. Yet both Monica and Chandler tried their hardest to ignore the bleak truth that had been revealed and that now was lying as exposed as a naked newborn the moment before being slapped; the oldest rite of passage ever known to humans. Fortunately, none of their friends had intruded into their apartment over the last few days, busy as they were at work, or in Phoebe and Joey's case on a mission to get a hold on the biggest pizza of New York, one to eat it while the other to write a song about its greatness.

But then one particularly clouded morning Chandler woke up and the closet was not only closed but locked "You've got to be kidding me" he muttered under his breath, as he opened the fridge to grab something with a high percentage of alcohol in it.

"My parents would be proud of me. Mummy! Daddy! Look at me, I _am_ your son after all! It's 7 am and I am already with a drink on one hand and a pile of messed up shit on the other one!" He screamed boozing a sip at the end of each sentence.

The tumult was enough to wake up Monica, who emerged from the bedroom wearing on her body her husband's favourite nightdress and on her face an apprehensive look. "Chandler, what's the matter? Did you have a nightmare?"she whispered embracing him tenderly.

"No. my dearest companion" he said with a mocking note to his tone, backing away from her embrace "I had a beautiful dream. I dreamt of marrying a wonderful and simply staggering woman, but now I've woken up and realized that the woman in question is _crazy_!"

"what are you talking about?" Monica responded offended

"I am talking about this closet. this _damned. green. ever-locked. closet._ give me the key"

Chandler could have expected the scene to go into various directions, but never in a million years could he have predicted what came out next from his wife's mouth.

"Sure, let me take it for you" with a swift movement Monica grabbed a key from the kitchen table he hadn't noticed up until then, and threw it gently at his direction "Go on. open it" she concluded with the tiniest smile.

Chandler, with an awkward presentment, did as he was told and sure enough the green door opened easily, allowing him inside. But unlike he had expected all the pictures and maps and notes and graphs that had hunted every second of his waken mind for the past three days, were gone, leaving space for shelves packed with average stocks of food and beauty products. The now confused man, turned around slowly, wondering whether he had gone mad or his Machiavellian wife had managed to set him up once more.

"Chandler, maybe you should start seeing a psychiatrist about this, it seems to me like an attempt to sabotage your own marriage" she mumbled trapping him back into her embrace,_ forcing him to take in the familiar smell of her skin and hair_ "Allow yourself to be happy, for me?" _forcing him to love her even though in that moment it was the last thing he wanted to do._ "Now let's go back to bed"_ forcing him to follow her steps no matter what their direction was._

"I am going to spend some time at Joey's" he wanted to shout, or even better "I am going to pack my bags, move to Mexico and never look back!" but then doubt crept inside his mind like an old devil and he found himself giving up to her. "goodnight dear" he murmured instead. _forced to believe whatever she said._

* * *

Hours, days and then weeks passed by without Chandler having to worry about Monica; As a matter of fact she had suddenly turned into_ the perfect wife _directly out of his imagination: preparing him the most delicious dishes out of her restaurant's menu, laughing at his jokes and answering back wittily, agreeing to chill out with him whenever he felt too lazy to stand up, being the most supportive and depending friend he had ever had..._ and. the. sex._ It had gotten to a point that for Chandler it was enough to look at her to get excited, and fortunately over the past weeks, she had been equally lustful. Not for nothing their friends were starting to get annoyed at their perverse behaviour. But then on a thursday afternoon Phoebe had interrupted the natural corse of events with a number of magical tea leaves.

"I didn't know you read tea leaves" Chandler said slightly amused

"Oh yeah, I've done it for years. I actually stopped because I was so accurate. Y'know, and-and y'know, one of the great joys of life is it's-it's wondrous unpredictability. Y'know? And also tea tends to give me the trots." Phoebe replied with the usual glow in her eyes.

"Okay, I'm done. Read mine." Monica interrupted with a hint of excitement

"Ooh, I see a ladder." the friend quickly affirmed as she leafed through her little consulting book "Which can mean either a promotion or a violent death."

"I-I'm the head chef. I-I can't get promoted." Monica retorted vaguely worried

"Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm, who's next?"

"Okay, I'm done. Do mine." Rachel said moving the subject elsewhere. Yet by then Chandler had stopped listening to his friends' idle chatter to concentrate on a new thought that was now gripping violently at his mind... He obviously didn't fear that Phoebe's premonition might come true, but what if Monica did die accidentally for a reason or another? What would he do then without her in his life? All that time they had wasted not being together, all that time he would have come to pray for eventually. A dreadful image flashed in front of his eyes: Monica,_ his_ Monica lying on the floor bleeding cospicuously, her hair sticking to her feverish face and her last words "You could have saved me" punching him on the stomach charged with rage and resentment.

Chandler shook his head to shake the thoughts away and looked around the cafe, where his friends where still alive and still talking about the tea leaves.

"What does yours say Pheebs?" he asked with a weird tone to his voice, but then again he didn't hear the answer.

_I won't allow Monica to die, I won't allow anyone remotely threatening to get near her. I will save you dear. Don't worry dear. Don't worry. Don't even think about leaving me. Yes I will save you, I will. I will. _If only he hadn't been so distracted, he might have noticed a little note on a yellow piece of paper falling out of of Monica's pocket as she turned around to greet her brother. He might have picked it up and read what Monica's tiny handwriting was telling him. But the moment passed and the note dissapeared under the orange couch.

_Things with Chandler are officialy back to normal _the note would have read_ he was wearing a blue shirt today and his hair was shining due to a slight fixation with gel he has developed this month. I told you things would work fine, didn't I?_


	5. surprise at walmart

**Hope you like where this is going, if you have any suggestions I would gladly hear them. Also hope you guys follow Sherlock. It's as good as friends :D**

**As always I own nothing.**

That night after Monica had gone to sleep, Chandler sat by the kitchen table; a notebook on a hand, a B2 pencil on the other and the most unacceptable images fogging his mind.

"Is this illegal?" he questioned out loud; lately he had read somewhere that talking to oneself could increase a person's IQ, and he believed that at such a chaotic moment, he would need all the intelligence he could get. "Maybe in North Korea or some other tough country, this is the type of thing that could get me imprisoned... Well if not illegal, sure enough it is unhealthy to make such use of one's imagination!" but as he stood up to leave, his eyes met a picture of Monica and he was forced to cut short his doubts "America is a free country and I own it to her".

To give himself the needed strength to emerge his hands down into the mud that was his fear, Chandler started doing what he knew best: Narrate his life, enriching it with drama and special sound effects:

_Bing. Chandler Bing. He was one of the most efficient spies a secret service had ever had the luck to encounter. Nothing could scare him and most certainly nothing would stop him. That night his mission involved a particularly tricky character: a rich millionaire known in the field as CC-1506, a woman whose power and strength could have only been compared to that of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle 's Irene Adler. They said CC-1506 was not only intelligent and precious for the entire government, but also knee-dropping beautiful; and that night his was the great honor of protecting her while on a dangerous trip to Thailand._

Realizing that he could no longer post-pone the strenuous chore; Chandler started the list he had feared for the past few hours, complete with all the dangers that could threaten his loving wife. He wrote down ideas without daring to give a second look at his own words:

_Car accident, terrorist attack, armed robbery, drug use, plane crash,murder, rape, fights, assaults, food poisoning, stroke, fire, allergy, domestic accidents, heart attack, deadly flues, hard tumbles, bites from infected or poisonous creatures, sexually transmitted diseases -in case she was cheating on him- eating disorder, overdose. Moreover on her daily routine, Monica entered in contact with such a large number of people: an envious coworker, an angry client, an obsessed ex boyfriend, a psycho on the bus; the possibilities were infinite._

By the time Chandler had finished the list, his hand was red and trembling and his forehead was prickled with cold sweat. But the trickiest part had yet to come, the question "What to do to prevent all this from happening?" was still unanswered after all.

Though not for long...

* * *

Monica had felt particularly awkward lately, as though a pair of dark eyes had been constantly fixed on her. She was used at getting stares of appreciation from both men and women, yet this was different. Shaking off such unwelcome thoughts, she grabbed her phone to check on Chandler, she had inserted a new chip on his mobile that year, that could be easily monitored by a software on her own cellphone.

She realized in surprise that he was on the same building as she was. That was weird, at that time of the day he should have been at work, and not blocks away shopping for groceries at Walmart. Without thinking twice she called his number, but received no answer. Somewhat suspiscious she went for plan B and fell to the floor loudly. The germs sticking to her skin were a big price to pay, but if Chandler really was in the area he would have been atracted by the crowd and kneeled by her side after recognizing the fainting woman as his wife. Sure enough Chandler was immediately by her side, caressing her hair. She smiled weakly and slowly stood back up.

"I am sorry everyone, it was just a little low pressure, I am already better" she murmured waving people away gently yet somewhat anxiously. "Dear, what are you doing here, shouldn't you be at work?" she then asked her husband, trying to hide the fact that she was proud of having him twitching in his hands like a broken spider caught in the act of devouring a ladybird.

"I am on your speed dial, they called me as soons as you fainted and I came in a hurry" he finally lied "I guess you confused seconds with minutes... But are you ok now?" Obviously Monica knew he was lying, but since she couldn't prove it she limited herself to a smile and polite words "Yes thank you".

* * *

Once she was back at home and Chandler to work, she called a number she had saved as "Dora the waitress" but that in reality had nothing to do with Dora nor waitresses.

"Hey sweetheart, guess what? I've got a job for you." she said half smiling as she started cleaning for the second time the already washed dishes.

"


End file.
